Here we evaluate Spock's prospects with four fabulous femmes: Nurse Chapel, with the knockout legs; the Female Romulan Commander, a powerful dame; drop-dead gorgeous Zarabeth (in more ways than one); and Captain Kirk, who got in on a technicality (he's a queen).
Hair: Black [with auburn highlights--Ed.]
Blood Type: T
Species: Vulcan-Human hybrid
Likes: computers, logic, obscure languages
Dislikes: distractions, emotional displays, meat-breath
Hair: Bottle blond
Blood Type: A
Likes: helping people, the color green, scientists--I mean science
Dislikes: those little disposable tabs you have to throw out every time you load a hypospray, men who don't call, shoes that pinch your toes
Hair: Brown [nice, rich brown--Ed.]
Blood Type: R
Species: Romulan [which is 99% Vulcan--Ed.]
Likes: sleek battlecruisers, getting to know Spock better, elegant things
Dislikes: incompetant minions, the Feds, uppity men
Zarabeth of Sarpeidon
Hair: Natural blond
Blood Type: O
Species: Sarpeidonian [might as well be human--Ed.]
Likes: books, rule of law, self-assured people
Dislikes: dictators, being all dolled up with nowhere to go, frostbite
James T. Kirk
Hair: Dirty blond [he's using sun-in--Ed.]
Blood Type: AB
Likes: Spock, 19th century literature, romantic walks on the beach
Dislikes: bureaucracy, paternity suits, incompetant crewmen
Spock asks questions of the contestants.
Are you a vegetarian?
Chapel: For you Spock, absolutely.
Rommie: I have heard of these strange Vulcan philosophies. On Romulus, only lower animals do not eat meat. They are prey.
Zarabeth: If I never again have to eat the flesh of a mastodon I killed myself, it will be too soon!
JTK: I love to eat meat.
Can you tolerate higher temperatures, higher gravity and a lower concentration of Oxygen?
Chapel: Yes. I've already applied to intern on Vulcan at the end of the
five-year mission, and I've been certified physically fit.
Rommie: Of course. You may find the deserts of Romulus to your liking.
Zarabeth: Sounds like heaven.
JTK: Funny, that's what I experience every time I'm around you and I haven't collapsed yet! ~_^
Describe the piezo-electric effect.
Chapel: Um, darn, something about hv? Hv? What was that equation?
Rommie: The effect via which photons cause electrons to escape metal? What's to explain? [translation difficulty--Ed.]
Zarabeth: Oh, yes--isn't that bizarre? I read all about it. If you direct photons at a metal sheet, then you can cause electrons to escape, but only if the frequency of the light is above the threshold frequency. The energy of the photons allow the electrons to jump to higher energy levels and escape the molecule. Fascinating!
JTK: Famous experiment by which the quantization of light was shown. C'mon, throw me a tough one.
What is your opinion on games?
Chapel: Well, games are a normal social interaction. If you're talking about
the games men and women play, well I'm not such a fan of that. Well, you know,
but I think a little mystery makes the romance.
Rommie: A very interesting question. Tactics and war games keep the military mind sharply honed. In life, as well, if you evaluate every person as you would an enemy on the chessboard, you will prosper.
Zarabeth: Games? Hm, well they're good for children. Mine were taken away from me and I miss them so much.
JTK: That's terrible. I'm so sorry to hear that.
Zarabeth: Well, you know Zorcon wasn't too concerned about the tender feelings between mother and child. Only consolidating his power.
Rommie: Captain Kirk, we Romulans have a saying: answer the question, or forfeit.
Chapel: Well, there's no call to be rude.
JTK: Ladies, please! I'm sure Spock knows exactly which kinds of games I like. Speaking of which, I found that Russian Math Society Puzzle Book you were asking about, Spock. It's in my quarters. I was keeping it for your birthday, but since you asked . . .
Next round: audience response
The traditional game where the contestants guess how Spock would answer certain questions is being skipped, ostensibly because "Vulcans don't," but actually because Kirk is believed to be a ringer.
Announcer: So contestants, tell the audience in one sentence why you should be Spock's new mate.
Chapel: Okay, well . . . (blushes) Spock, I'm maybe not the woman you ever imagined you'd be with, but I love you, more than you know, and I'll work hard to be a wife you can be proud of.
Rommie: Because you know the woman who is within this warrior, and the warrior's heart that is within this woman; Spock, we shall build empires together!
Zarabeth: Hey. This is a hard thing to say on intergalactic tv. Spock, you are one of the most intelligent, thoughtful and sensitive creatures I've ever had the pleasure to meet and I would love to share your life with you.
JTK: One sentence? Spock, I can't describe what you mean to me in one sentence, but let me just say that you are the best, and noblest person I know, my confidant, my advisor, and truly, my better half. Let's walk this road together, Spock.
Announcer: That was more than one sentence, JTK. I'm sorry but your answer has been disqualified.
Zarabeth: That's too bad. Who's counting, really?
JTK: It's okay. My mistake. May the best man, er, dame win.
Zarabeth: (giggles, whispers) I have to admit I'm a bit out of my league here.
JTK:(whispers back) Don't be so sure. (subtly indicates Chapel.)
Announcer: We now go to the audience for their vote. They will rate each contestant in the following categories: charm, glamour and compatibility. Remember, audience, charm rates what they say, glamour what you see, and compatibility marks how good of a love match they are with today's bachelor, Spock. 1 is the lowest rating and 5 is the highest. When the votes are in, they will be averaged to provide each contestant's score!
The moment of truth.
glamour: 1 [a new haircut would have helped--Ed.]
glamour: 5 [wearing The Dress and earrings--Ed.]
glamour: 4 [hey, less is more--Ed.]
glamour: 2 [should have removed his shirt--Ed.]
JTK: Only four?
Now, some comments from the audience.
Spazzing guy in the audience: Zarabeth, we love you!
Three swf roommates: We're rooting for Chapel. You go girl!
Roving mic dude: What about Zarabeth?
Three swf roommates: She's dead. (laughter) Besides, Chapel and Spock have so much more in common. They're both Starfleet officers.
Roving mic dude: And Kirk? He's also a Starfleet officer.
Three swf roommates: (laughter)
Gen-X poster girl: The Romulan Commander, definately the
Roving mic dude: Any reason why?
Gen-X poster girl: She's really smart, really confident. They make a great couple.
Roving mic dude: So who's your money on?
Two very gay young men: Oh, we're not saying.
Two very gay young men: This has been a very interesting battle.
Two very gay young men: Good luck to whoever wins, that's all I have to say.
Two very gay young men: And if JTK loses we'll take him.
Roving mic dude: You'll take him?
Two very gay young men: I don't know, I think we'll take Zarabeth, I mean isn't she adorable?
Two very gay young men: Oh but Chapel, now there's a diamond in the rough.
Two very gay young men: Oh, totally!
Roving mic dude: So you'll be happy no matter the outcome?
Two very gay young men: I think he should stay away from that Romulan Commander.
Two very gay young men: She is definately bad news. We can see those biceps from here, hon!
Two very gay young men: That dress was definately a mistake.
Two very gay young men: Like everyone can't tell she's a complete dyke.
Roving mic dude: Oooookay.
Roving mic dude: Now, you just said you're rooting for Kirk?
Well-dressed 4 a str8 guy: You know, all those ladies are really lovely, and--
Roving mic dude: (laughs)
Well-dressed 4 a str8 guy: Absolutely. Ladies, you can meet me after the show.
Roving mic dude: So why are you rooting for Kirk?
Well-dressed 4 a str8 guy: You can't fake true love. I think they are meant to be together.
Roving mic dude: And it frees up the pool for you.
Well-dressed 4 a str8 guy: Absolutely, my man, absolutely.
In the final segment--Spock's choice.
Announcer: Spock has rated the answers of each contestant and now he is going to tell us which one he picked.
Spock: Taking into account all the answers, and discarding the disqualified answer, by my objective scale, Zarabeth received the highest score.
Spock walks over to Zarabeth.
Spock: Unfortunately, there was one more piece of data I had to take into account. You have been dead for a thousand years.
Zarabeth: Actually 960, Spock. I lived to be 73.
Spock: Most impressive.
Zarabeth: Thank you.
Spock holds out his hand, and she takes it.
Spock: If circumstances had been different . . .
Zarabeth: I understand. At least I have one thing Zarcon can never take from me.
Spock: Your memories.
Zarabeth nods her head and they part.
Spock now approaches Chapel.
Spock: (stands with hands behind back, near Chapel but facing her in profile) Miss Chapel, how shall I put this? Perhaps you should set your sights on someone with whom you are more compatible. (finally looks at her) I wish you success in your studies. I believe I speak for all of the command staff when I say that I believe you will make a fine doctor one day.
Chapel: Thank you, Mister Spock. I'm sorry it can't work out between us.
Spock: Aren't we all.
Spock next walks over to Kirk.
JTK: Spock! (grabs his arm)
Spock: Not so sure of yourself now, I see.
Spock pulls himself free . . .
. . . and goes to the Romulan Commander.
Spock: Commander, (clasps hands behind back) while your offer has its appeal, I am a Starfleet Officer and my answer remains the same. I must admit that the cultural and racial differences between us, as compared to the others assembled here, are less severe; however, the fact remains that our philosophies are fundamentally unreconcilable. I could never be an officer of the Romulan military, and I believe that, on some level, you understand this.
Rommie: A pity. It could have been glorious.
Spock: Of that I have no doubt.
Rommie: Very well, Spock of Vulcan. I believe your human is waiting for you.
Spock: A human who outwitted you. You would do well to remember that.
Rommie: Ha! A lucky break.
Spock approaches Kirk. The audience starts hooting.
Kirk ostentatiously stands at military attention and places
his hands behind his back. Spock offers a hand but
withdraws it after a tiny standoff.
JTK: Two can play this game. So this is it?
Spock: Yes, Jim. (tries to offer his hand again)
JTK: (smirks at exasperated Vulcan)
Spock: Your cooperation would be appreciated.
JTK: My cooperation?
Spock: Yes. I believe some display of affection is required for these proceedings to officially come to an end.
JTK: Oh, so I get it, you're just using me to--MMPHF!
Spock kisses Kirk, shutting him up. The audience is making that schoolyard "ooo" sound. After the kiss, Kirk has a hand on Spock's arm and they both look a lot happier with each other.
Announcer: So this concludes our program. Let's give a big hand for Spock and James T. Kirk!
After the show.
Zarabeth: It's too bad you didn't win, Christine. I know
you said you've known him for a long time. I mean, I know
I just came here on a lark, I didn't really expect anything--
Chapel: (blubbering) Right.
Zarabeth: But I think he really loves him, doesn't he? Back on Sarpeidon, when Spock heard his captain's voice calling, he knew he had to come back. That's his world.
Chapel: I know. It was hopeless. I shouldn't have-- humiliated myself.
Zarabeth: Oh Christine, you didn't humiliate yourself. What he said--you're training to be a doctor? I think that's wonderful. That's a wonderful profession. You're going to do what you like, help people. You'll be able to give the gift of life.
Rommie: Of course she humiliated herself. I'm surprised he tolerates you.
Zarabeth: That's really not anything you should say to somebody. You know, I don't think you understand him at all. You kept offering him power. If he wanted power, he wouldn't have decided to stay with me in the icy reaches. Not much of anything to make an empire from there.
Rommie: He was out of his head. In fact, he only had anything to do with either of you when he was out of his head.
Zarabeth: Maybe. I still think you're wrong about him. He doesn't have to stay with Kirk, after all. He could go elsewhere. He could have his own command.
Rommie: No. The Star Fleet will never give him command of a starship and he knows it. So he stays there, where at least he is wanted, and meanwhile his brilliance, and his potential, are wasted. But do not mind these bitter words. Alas, I have troubles enough of my own. Good day.
Zarabeth: Christine, I'm afraid I have to leave as well. I don't exist in this reali
Chapel sinks down into a chair.
JTK: Mister Chapel? Nurse?
Chapel: Come here to gloat?
JTK: Not at all. But we do have to go back to the ship.
Chapel: It's okay. I'll get transport.
JTK: Absolutely not, Christine. We're Enterprise crew. (holds out his hand) We all go together.
Chapel, Kirk, and Spock exit, arms interlinked.